Once its over, be it a romance or a friendship, I dont want to be bothered anymore. You dont need anyone like that in your life. No, no theological debate going on, just seeking understanding of what the other person means. And yes, it is very much like an addiction. Thanks again! I still get upset, but less frequently. Its a matter of being able to forgive, but not forgetting. Note to self: I dont want him in my life and thats okay. These wounds can leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger sometimes even hatred. But I did. He has not been dependable, or offered you much of anything, except a bit of charm. Ask for forgiveness without making excuses. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. Even the Bible says that we should freely forgive, but ONLY those who are repentant (i.e., are sorry for what theyve done and who DONT repeat the offending action). I take it to mean all the people in church who wind me up because, you know, Im spending eternity with them. I am extremely not saying hes a bad guy or he shoulda, woulda, coulda. But thats the way it is. It is hard to imagine being free and clear someday. Hurt on top of more hurt, Mary, I would suggest not responding. Sorry, meant to add that its neither here nor there whether theyre repetent or not. They think in black-and-white terms. He really doesnt deserve a harsh, bitter unforgiving attitude from me. I wanted to emphasize that our instincts often tell us what we need to know about the guys we tend to date, and if CC feels that way towards any guy, whether its about the guy or about herself, she needs to pay attention and trust herself. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. The word "rancor" means: Bitter, long-lasting resentment; deep-seated ill will and it is a feeling of hate and continuing anger about something in the past: Example: They cheated me, but I feel no rancor towards/against them. What if? as well as other partner offers and accept our. Are you sure it wouldnt be an excuse to stay connected? and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. Ill let you know how it goes. Lisa. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Hi Ladies and gents. Im sure even though you may not be Christian, if you practice or still value the Native American doctrines there are bound to be some similar beliefs. There is a silver lining to everything. Allison, Thank you, yes I feel I am. Yes, I ignored huge red flags and was probably a little EU on my end but it sill doesnt excuse what went down. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.org," "Mayo Clinic Healthy Living," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. I have told all my friends that I wanted to hear none of it, and would not be able to participate in common friendships- since I dont see him as my friend. The frenetic-ness of it seems almost like anxiety. I knew beforehand where the so-called ex gf lived. I am very up front with him too. In the end, when we continue to go back, the hardest thing will actually be to stop bearing a grudge against ourselves. It was not a playful act, its who he was. I hear you. Theyre either in or theyre out! Its funny if you were feeding homeless people at 4am you wouldnt beat yourself up about the fact that you didnt much enjoy getting out of bed to do it. Although not of a religious bent I overdid the turn the other cheek and forgive and give the benefit of the doubt thing. Stop praying/wishing for the ex to be happy, for the best Blah. Grudges are a learned response. I was so wrong. I am deeply sorry for what you are going through,and although you dont know it now you can survive and pop out the other end of the dark tunnel into a new and better light. I hate having to tell people about the split, and expose myself to their judgements but I try not to worry about it, after all they were not married to him. A lot less drama. *Meditate if you dont already. Narc with more baggage than an airport. CC, I laughed when you said he reminded you of the guys on Big Bang Theory. I love this site, and you rock, ladies! shattered you dont need anyones permission but do be prepared for a big let down or, worse, to be insulted. And I didnt. This response is different from holding a grudge. It would be easy to put myself under a load of pressure to try to do All The Things in the name of book promo, but my body said no to hoeing myself out. Just a few days ago I got in touch with someone from a few months past who had many, many red flags I did not really want to see. We just cant take anymore! . Ready. Guess Im not as awesome as i originally thought. Back to re-hab analogy Would you? Then we hear nothing off him till the next week after having his son for the day the guilt gets to him again.so I then have to endure the pleastries til off he goes validated yet again. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. But hopefully its a struggle worth winning. One thing led to another, and 3.5 months later we got together for a romantic weekend in his country. I dont have to try to convince myself that the EUM will eventually come around just to indirectly, silently protect his ego. he went off to chat to a young woman (no surprise there!). No MMs is a good one but no-one who knows people I know (for instance)is too limiting. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. I wouldnt say that I was a misfit at school but I didnt fit in. A 2021 studyTrusted Source concluded that a greater level of forgiveness is associated with lower stress and better mental health. I coach clients on this issue as well. Talk to you soon. But, are you really compatible? I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. What a douche! You get tempted to go for that fix, but you stay away. Validation? I felt wrongly safe in that I saw the way he was with women, and like you I found it was so excessive and crazy that it couldnt be serious, that it was an act to draw attention, that he was just being playful and enjoyed seeing my shocked/blushing faces, etc. Feeling assured he aint a bad man assclown who messed me up.because im plesant to him. x, Hi JustHer and thanks, isnt it funny that this is how they think, that they have such selective memories in how they treated useverything he did was how Natalie has said it would go so instead of being blindsided it was like an aha momentI refused to be his bit on the side so out came the friend card lol onwards and upwards for all of us!!! If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. You have to accept that sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss. The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes. I feel murderous rage toward my egg donor. Smart, intelligent, attractive constantly seducing women. If the grudge is something you find yourself thinking about very often, try using a physical technique to get your mind back on track. exceedingly fortunate I do NOT suffer mental illness. So need this. Im also afraid of my friendship with the new guy becasue i am vulnerable (although I have never not been vulnerable) and I dont want to get myself in another situation like with the ex and I feel by being with him it makes me more frustrated since hes not the right guy but i could trick myself into being with him. 100%. What a schmoe. Take a minute. My friends husband just asked me out! Cause, really To me, its no different than drugs or alcohol. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. Closure? You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. Here is his message hi!! dcd568so sorry for your pain. But. I was actually relieved when she showed her true feelings on that voice mail message because now I can let everyone who wants to know why I dont have anything to do with her listen to the incredible, unbelievable message she left her daughter. I am struggling with breaking no contact to let him know that I am aware that he was dishonest and may have been cheating. Im ususally the one trying to drag things out by conveniently forgetting that he was the one who used to nearly ignore me in the hallway, not call for days and then expect a hot night of sex,only to be gone the next day and not call again. Read about the narcissist smear campaign. Dont you know thats where he was going. Mayo Clinic does not endorse companies or products. The strange thing is that we actually feel better when we stop pretending that we dont feel the way that we do or that we dont have needs, wants, and expectations. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship.". Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. Im doing pretty well. Though part of me thinks, even if he didnt mean it, its a horrible thing to even say. It was really tempting to seek him out tonight. I have always adopted NC as my natural response, even before reading about it. B.c I have to admit I am ropable & Im DONE with trying to b the bigger person re someone with the audacity to accuse me of lying abt being physically abused by HER & covertly sexually abused by not one but TWO of her sicko boyfriends as a child! (I KNOW what I must do btw, simply because I do not want to/or should have to feel nauseus around a so called friend who makes constant referals to women looking hot or staring at my arse at every opportunity). That doesnt work, and so I was pouty. A boundary is wiping that gum off, accepting the evidence that it was once there, but moving forward without that bump. All Free. Thank God, today I can chalk it up to experience. This for my own sake. However, I have a pattern of putting up with snarky, toxic, hostile behavior from acquaintances. I would never ever let someone treat my child with disrespect or disregard. He also said woe to the person who harms one of these little ones. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface. Holy cow he just broke up with me 4 days prior you hope Im doing great???? Thats when it becomes a real wake up call, when your kids know better than you do. if I did I would seriously push tht waste of space over the nearest cliff!! Tinkerbell People date those they work with, who go to the same church, the same college, friends of friends, and neighbours. This post is really something to think about. It breaks my heart a bit. Thats what MOTHERS do. Mayo Clinic Graduate School of Biomedical Sciences, Mayo Clinic School of Continuous Professional Development, Mayo Clinic School of Graduate Medical Education, Have questions about sex? Wanted to see whats going on. . In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Im trying to bresk free of a habit, and sometimes think it could be different, and though it might be marginally different, the same basic ingredients exist and would have their same affect if i let them. Remember your boundaries. Not the past. We also mistake the fact that we may recognise what does and doesnt work for us and that we may actually be feeling relatively at peace about something thats happened, as an automatic precursor to going for another round or even treat it as a court order from our inner critic. It does no logical good M3tal_Shadowhunter 1 yr. ago It's not about helping anyone. Until then, goodbye and goodluck. He did not reply (I wasnt expecting him to) and I havent heard from him since. Its always uplifting for us all to hear stories of victory and healing. You just gotta listen and watch. What's the difference between setting and respecting a boundary vs. holding a grudge? Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you. You maintain your dignity with silence. Im just searching for some truth. ", When you think about them, your feelings are negative, "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at, told INSIDER. I do still have thoughts of having a final dinner with him someday, though What is wrong with me?!! Thanks Tinkerbell! Lose valuable and enriching connections with others. My thing now is, I feel I have to leave this relationship but I dont want to do anything to him that I would not want done to me. In the end he told me that all he could offer me was a friend with benefits scenario (we did not have sex during the time we were in contact), and that he knew I could not accept that, that I would find it diminishing. Grudges aren't uncommon. Probably just enough self respect to pull me away from 9+ months with a sociopath. You deserve better than that. I definately would be easily tempted to still be nice, and have a selective memory. Its been 2 weeks and Ive not responded. Hes an ass. The last paragraph of your post is extremely accurate.Everything happens for a reason but when we are hurting it is easy to forget, learn for your mistakes and release :)! We were supposed to discuss this on a Tuesday morning, but on the Monday night, I received this text message, I know I said that we would talk in the morning but I wont be able to do that. It sounds like you did your research on learning about Narcs. Holding grudges is one of the top ways that people lose valuable relationships. Grudges prevent someone from moving on from past wrongdoings. I was/am angry for giving him the ego stroke that he can still have an effect on me and that what he did is still a source of anger for me. I dont want to be around YOU. After spending years with someone to have no last words at all is bizarre. Hey, hes acting that way, why do I think its OK for him and its not OK for me??? This doesnt seem very respectful of women, and then he laughs about it. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. I guess it is because I cannot make sense of what happened. It didnt start out this way but 3 months into the relationship something changed. Review/update the I had both forgiven and forgotten. My sister said well, call herShe said, I did. I know how good it feels when you finally take that step and dont look back. We forgive the debt and move on (without the person and without payment). ), I still wanted to be accepted by them and every time in later life when I felt like an outsider it sort of tied back in to how I felt all of the time in high school. He isn't a human golden retriever all the time. Thats what happened. That means behaving in their ultimate best interests. You made the right decision. I dont want to risk, the consequences and possible damage that comes w that drug. Also, which guy was he trying to impress when he told YOU that he had 6 booty calls lined up for whenever he wants? Sign up for free, and stay up to date on research advancements, health tips and current health topics, like COVID-19, plus expertise on managing health. Just meet some one else fast. The last contact was from him via text and a general birthday card. Thats how people meet. Im writing for some feedback/advice, if you may be so kind. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again. Oh lizzp, never intended to say the new guy doesnt have feelings! Despite your best efforts, its impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. NOTHING, time to live in present and learn/forget my painful past! They say, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. In any case, I can sympathize with the trauma you must have gone through with such a parent.