If the guy just walked away and contributed nothing, then that would be exactly akin to most adoptions, which, essentially, just mean letting someone else take care of your child. 2. Everyone is pretty much in agreement there. And shame on you for agreeing that he is entitled to this opinion. If you want to hold this poor man responsible for some child some women decided to create, thats just mean and patriarchal crap. Imagine the following scenarios. And it wont be you for very long. lets_be_honest Francine ], Chuck Pelto It doesnt even come close. He can bang the neighbor, the lunch lady, and his friendly neighborhood bartenderwhoever. LW, you need to take time to look at what you want in your life. Now this is really petty, but I'm planning to post a picture of me and my boyfriend for her to see. Sue Jones Youre upset that it only took a few months for her to get what youve been waiting for 4 years. April 10, 2012, 7:25 pm. I am very much in love with my husband and believe him when he says he loves me too. April 9, 2012, 2:39 pm. LADIES he could stand her. Abortion is a very personal choice and whether or not this woman chooses to have one is entirely HER business. Hes so full of sh*t, I bet his eyes are brown. lets_be_honest Consider paring them down a bit. When you ended it you knew it was over. We do live in a world where your opinion on one thing may not in fact be the most correct or perhaps their might even be two sides, both reasonable and rational positions to take. He sounds a bit flakey. This is clearly a heated topic, so Im not sure were all being purely logical about it. If you were having a good communication way with him before, you can found out that he got another girl pregnant before you were dating. It isnt pertinent to the discussion. Second, after all this talk of how disgusting he was for supposedly not using a condom, not knowing her all that long, etc., why no talk about this woman doing the exact same thing (number it takes to tango = 2) and having to deal with the consequences? Beyond that, no one really cares that he jumped in bed with another woman right after they broke up only to decide that he cant live without her after getting said woman pregnant. Maybe because she wants a tie to the LWs boyfriend. After dating him for about 3 months, she got pregnant with his baby. But, the real reason you can't let go is because you feel bad that you've invested 4 years into this relationship hoping it would lead to something, and all you got is heartbreak, and him getting another woman pregnant. April 10, 2012, 6:28 pm. But again the adoption makes that all moot. You need to be consistent in your line of reasoning. But still. Consider that this man is 40 years old, but still immature. What sounded nice in theory is not sounding so great to Jimmy in reality. We only have sex if were ready to be a father? April 10, 2012, 5:30 pm. Actions have consequences. Here are five hard truths every "other woman" should know: 1. That isnt misogyny. And alimony is given to whichever spouse made less income, not women as a rule. You dont have an obligation to be faithful to an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend! Doesnt matter if the owner of cocacola sat down with you and discussed the possible risk of opening a bottle and what you would both do if something went wrong. Heres how I interpreted it. You are acting like child support is some sort of lottery win for the woman it is court ordered money that is to go towards the care of your child. However, my father got primary physical placement, and my mother got 4 hours of visitation a week, and THAT is what dictated child support (or would have if she could have afforded to pay it). I recommend you seek individual therapy and process your feelings. The thought of a child waiting for him at home makes going away so much easier. Life is unfair. Im pretty surprised by some of the stances shes made on this thread and I do enjoy and almost always agree with her comments. 1.1K views, 24 likes, 7 loves, 2 comments, 9 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Shukla Gaming: Steve Wilkos ANGRY Moments But the important thing for you to know, as the mother of a child who may not ever know their biological father, is that your child wont miss what they never had. I think Dan Savage an Santorum have some sexual tension though. You deserve that label for attacking a woman that you dont even know, for trying to blame her for sperm-jacking your loser boyfriend and for suggesting that she is trying to trap him. Move on. Also, it implies that using a condom prevents pregnancy. Susie is pregnant with Jimmys child. That was supposed to be a reply to Temperance, not ele4phant. Since most of the people here seem to be pretty strong advocates of womens right to choose, to be treated equally, and so on and I agree with those stances it seems backwards, odd, and a double standard to say that men need to be financially responsible if the woman decides he should be and that they should have no say whatsoever in that. We were on and off for few months, and during that time we both dated other people. it happens. He didnt expose her to STDs. just my opinion. Dudes inner-monologue consists of the word Fuck clouded by that ringing noise you get after leaving a concert. And, you know, your well reasoned logic and stuff. It sounds glib, and I mean, malarky? Your boyfriend made his choice when he had unprotected sex. Chris (played by Tyler James Williams), is the ambitious, normal, responsible, intelligent, and kind-hearted, but troubled, unlucky, unpopular, untalented, nonathletic, underachieving, hapless, awkward, nerdy, vulnerable and mischievous eldest child and protagonist with anxiety disorder of the series.He wishes he was more like his younger brother, Drew. So, let it be over. Idiots like the guy in the letter, dont. I dont know what to think or believe. April 9, 2012, 7:11 pm. Thats a dudes view. Just as the guy needs to respect the ladys decision to keep it. And my opinion doesnt change whether youre prepared to have a kid. ele4phant Dr. Sherry. Scenario 2. Whether this guy decides to be a part of this childs life or not is up to his conscience. I didnt see that it made sense for him to send a check for MY child when he never had even met her. Let this be a learning lesson for everyone male and female. Now I'm happily married and live in Orlando. It upsets me how much anger seems to be directed towards this unborn child. April 9, 2012, 12:52 pm. He should get a damn vasectomy. thus why I said troll label aside. Reading your letter, you are far too immature to handle this. Translation: men should think before they poke but women can do whatever they damn well please. REALLY?! I agree with you regarding being a part of the childs life but I dont agree with you on the money aspect. 3. its up to you wether to stay his friend or not. The only thing I can say that no one else has so far is, why would she want to trap this man?! If he didnt get tested prior to running back to the LW then yes, he did expose her to STDs. Also, HUGE RED FLAG. Therefore, when having sex with a woman, you must assume that she could get pregnant and could keep it even though you dont want it; or on the flip side, abort it even though you dont want her to. female Your argument that consenting adults should never have sex unless theyre prepared to become parents neglects the fact that not only do we have the means to significantly reduce the risk of pregnancy, we have extremely safe ways of terminating pregnancies, especially very early on. Do you have a law to fix that? In the vast majority of cases, these relationships do not last long and serve solely to be a . In any event, Im happy to hear what youve shared already! Happens all the time. April 9, 2012, 9:19 pm, Note I said 99% of PEOPLE in that situation, not women. Coke didnt have to do anything wrong. If you dont want to potentially end up with a kid with a woman you cant stand, dont have sex with her. No one knows if adoptive parents end up being fabulous parents. I think both sexes can own that one (although your estimate of what % of children born today are born to single patents is inaccurate). The kid has no blame here. Your welcome. He knows how to make a baby, and he knows how to avoid making a baby. But even though I led you to believe I didnt want to become pregnant, Im going to have the baby anyway and thereby obligate you to two decades of support.. For all you know she could be 35 and realize that this may be her one chance to have a baby. He wants to get back with the LW (again, apparently) Please let your sons know that, whether you agree that its fair or not, that is the way it works because if they end up whining about paying to support a kid with their DNA it will accomplish nothing but to make them look ignorant. Its one thing that he says he will pay for it (Im assuming this means child support), but a true father doesnt just look at this as a once a month payment for 18 years. The woman accepts the ejaculate what she does with it is now her business, and her business alone. Its not some windfall for women. having sex with someone you dont know that well. Having read some of the (ahem) well-reasoned responses to my post (and your response), I realize the interwebs are probably not the best place to argue the merits of paternity law. If they dont want to be taken, then they should think before they poke. It seems they are in a good place now, but I checked my mans texts and she still flirts with him and tries to get him back. At this point, she doesnt even know for certain that the woman is pregnant or that its his child. And he put you in danger of contracting an STD because he failed to use a condom. No one called him a criminal. If I got pregnant by a guy who begged me to have one, I would tell him if he doesnt want this child he can just fuck off and I will raise him/her but I will not kill my own child for him. I dont feel like his decision to not be involved in his biological childs life makes him an immature asshole. Im not arguing that he should be able to force an abortion. That goes for women as well. I gave him a green flag to make his decision and let him off the hook for any and all care and support, so long as such decision was irrevocable. If you were instrumental in the making of the child congratulations it is yours. It doesnt have to toss a ball with you to help with your rehab or take pictures of you with your new arm. I think its dispicable that you would consider re-uniting with a man that thinks his only obligation as a father is financial support. Maam, he didnt waste any time moving on from you. Then how does the woman get off requiring the man to do it? Francine We started dateing again and have been for about 3 months and we have plans to save money and get an apartment. Come on! Or shes against abortion. I have two young sons I dearly hope neither of them ever come across a woman as conniving as you appear to be. Seriously, no wonder so many of are all too stupid to understand where babies come from. Shutterstock. Steve Kellmeyer A woman who is raped is stuck with the agonizing choice of getting an abortion, or carrying a child to term. 2. Knowing him for two minutes is not significant at all to a woman who feels that abortion is morally wrong for religious reasons. Its that theyre more likely to be honest about not wearing them when something bad results. April 9, 2012, 12:45 pm. haha. Ill never understand the chicks who want to blame/curse/fight the other woman like the dude has no part in the whole mess. What happens when *she* gets pregnant and he still doesnt want to be a father? April 10, 2012, 12:45 pm. To everyone. Aside from social media stalking, many ex-couples continue to actually communicatetrying to stay friends. Most women hate giving blowjobs, it seems. Men and women have control over conception on the front end of the decision- and a woman is stuck with the pregnancy. But not usually. You can get pregnant on birth control! His utter failure to own up to his actions is appalling. So deal with that. ESSENCE.com is part of ESSENCE Communications, Inc. 2. LMAO. Recently he ended the affair and told this woman to have no further contact. haha I agree. It has nothing to do with the man. I dont agree with it, but the beauty of being an American is we both get to have our views. As a child who was raised by my mother and saw neither hair nor hide of my biological father, who diligently paid child support, Ive turned out for the better. Just sayin. Dude, get away from this guy pronto! I might disagree to a minor degree with some of your points although, re-reading your reply, I dont really think so but thats a great summary, and also completely out of place in this thread because its so rational. He also said he is furious with this women for wanting to keep the child, because they were only together for 2 minutes. Hey I have a novel idea. Fyrebyrd2 Focus on that though, and you are going to have a miserable life. Hey, honey, I thought you had control over your bodies? He can take all the risks he wants its his choice. For someone who cant stand a woman and does not want to have a child you think he would make slightly more responsibly decisions. Except that hes not. He didnt want a baby? You have no idea what youre talking about, with regard to child support. Where the issue comes in is who physically is around the child more, which is placement, which though there has been progress tends to err on the side of the mother still, with all other things being equal. Yet you are mad at the other women and not him? And for what its worth, I highly doubt he can bear to live without you. I mean, he didnt exactly waste any time getting some other chick pregnant, did he? You sound like one of those pro-lifers who are always compelling women to do things against their will. April 10, 2012, 9:40 pm. Dont be so quick to assume every dude who makes an observation about a real phenomenon is some embittered douche full of vitriol; you may learn something in the process. Women this means the pill or condom or whatever. You know, I was thinking about that, too. bittergaymark Actually, pulling out has a 4% failure rate versus 2% for condoms for perfect use. Move on already, LW. lets_be_honest He wants nothing to do with her OR the baby? If this is the case with this woman, then she may well not be at all thrilled to be pregnant and not expecting anything from this guy. April 9, 2012, 2:37 pm, Well, its always possible that shes NOT in her right mind. Im not a woman hater happily married for 15 years, and I love my mother, my sister and even my mother-in-law. It is my argument that only an ass would be furious at anyone other than himself when he becomes obligated to provide for a child that he created. April 9, 2012, 3:01 pm, Well, I have to just give the opposite side of this that 1. at least he plans to financially provide for the child and 2. if someone is so adament about not wanting children as he seems to be, then all are probably better off giving the child to the mother only which is a hell of a lot like adoption. Then the day we got back from this amazing vacation, he broke up with me through email! Now, I want to believe him, but in my rightful mind I know I will be so dumb to buy all that he is say. I think this would cut down on a LOT of baby mama drama with regards to accusations of women getting pregnant on purpose or trapping me with a baby. Because no matter how much we feminists on here hate that bullshit, it DOES happen. He explained that they were always arguing, and that they actually broke up when he first talked to me. Medications interfere with birth control, not taking it at the same time and whole other host of reason why she could have legitimately gotten pregnant on birth control. Remember we are hearing all this second or third hand. Documents were drawn up by said lawyers. It doesnt sound like hes ready to be a one-woman man and get married (let alone start a family), and it doesnt sound like the LW is entirely willing and able to deal with being with a man who has fathered a child that isnt theirs. landygirl If you support legal abortion, then you emphatically deny that men create children. Putting that opinion into action with either government or private coercion is that to which we have no right. During the time we both were studying for the bar, we were on a break. Furthermore, men should be held at least halfway responsible for the resulting pregnancy and child but should have no authority to decide upon his involvement, even though consensual sex involves both people equally. April 10, 2012, 6:52 pm. Their choice, honey. Is that fair to women? Fine, Ill support you in raising the child, but Im not prepared to be a dad. Yes, it is the less than desirable course to take but he is, in a way, owning up to his responsibility (monetarily). Pretty sure this: and he is furious with this woman for keeping the baby is the browbeat part. 6napkinburger Its easier just to blame her and act like hes an innocent victim, but hes not. Seriously? She might not have been on the Pill, but that was a risk that he chose to take by having sex with someone he knew for two minutes without a condom. I agree Savannah. April 9, 2012, 6:35 pm, Not highly infectious, huh? I wanted to punch my computer screen while reading this and was so afraid the comments would not say what you are saying. Im surprised that so many people here are assuming that just because a guy has sex and gets a girl pregnant, he undergoes an immediate 180* like a Sim changing their clothes and becomes a devoted, excited father-to-be. Two. I dont see why this issue is any different. skyblossom I think this man, regardless his quality of character in other situations, demonstrates good foresight in deciding that no, hes not ready to be a father. My Boyfriend Got Another Woman Pregnant & It Changed My Views On Parenthood. Only a valid argument of youre completely unaware of how babies are made and that birth control does not prevent pregnancy but only reduces the likelihood. Im currently going through a rough breakup with my partner of nearly 9 years, and if this happened to me two months from now I would be having angry, irrational emotions too. April 9, 2012, 4:51 pm. He found her annoying but still slept with herI think this was pretty assholish behavior. BTW, believe it or not, I usually agree with the majority of the commenters here. However, my point isnt that children should not be supported. Wanting nothing to do with his child, which like it or not seems to be coming, is not acceptable- and a mature girlfriend would help him to see that these are the cards hes been dealt, and that he now has to work with them. Find someone without baggage. You deserve better. I just think that if he is saying he doesnt want a child then hes probably not fit to be a parent and the parent who does want a child is more fit. Um, yeah. I cant tell you how many children have grown up thinking something was wrong with THEM because they had a parent who didnt want them. Sex makes babies and every time you have sex you run the risk of making a baby. Honestly, why would you want to put yourself in a permanent relationship who a) has encouraged his baby mommy to abort the child for the sake of convenience and 2) who has sex with people he cannot stand? April 9, 2012, 8:29 pm. April 9, 2012, 8:26 pm. Stop going backwards. never again! April 10, 2012, 5:53 pm, Women have figured that game out, and it sucks. Its always just a hope. Actually, the most powerful and damaging ever dont Gingrich, Cheney, Santorum, and Bush spring to mind. He didnt expect that to happen. But women and children, in the context of child custody and support systems, end up in extremely unfortunate and unfair situations far more often. The adoption process has a pretty involved vetting procedure- meaning that birth parents can reasonably assume the child will be cared for by the adoptive parent or parents. Because when the woman has a baby, she isnt a slave to anything. But, of course, this makes him an asshole. But now no one wants to deal with it. she's a real bitch. And why do you think shes trying to trap him? You mean, a man shouldnt be able to decide to throw money at his child, but never once be involved whatsoever in the childs life? Life isnt fair. Oh I completely agree! My man (were not engaged anymore) begged to see his kids, and they met up and talked. Yep. They wanted the child and now they want to whine about how hard it is? If he truly wants nothing to do with his child and is willing to pay his obligatory financial support, I dont think that makes him a scumbag, I think thats good foresight. Either way, it sounds like she and this douchenugget guy are made for each other. A better comparison would be a woman abandoning her child in a shelter, etc- and while Im happy there is an option for truly desperate people (who often have major issues, mental illness, abuse, etc), I do think that doing that rather than going through a traditional adoption channel is a pretty scummy thing to do. I wouldnt consider him a scumbag for asking her to consider abortion. Some said he deserved the label because he exposed the LW to STDs. I think he was just really scared, and alot had changed in a really short matter of time. That is a WAY better scenario than I mentioned above which would be an in and out dad who pays zilch and really fucks the kids head up. But simply disagreeing with others does NOT fit the definition of a troll, not by a long shot. It may be more than a coincidence that your girlfriend or wife announced she was pregnant right after you broke up with her. The sex was good. April 10, 2012, 4:51 pm. She doesnt have to listen to him, but the concern at least needs to be addressed. Yes, the woman in question should have been just as involved in making sure she didnt get pregnant as the man. Im not saying its a trivial thing, but its nothing compared to birth. And, yes, he should be taking precautions against STDs because even if he never gets back with the LW, is he going to remain celibate for the rest of his life? In a perfect, totally fair world, both men and women would get stuck with pregnancy and rearing of children because they both equally engage in the sex that results in the pregnancy. I dont think its necessarily fair. Its been done and will continue to be done, as long as accidents, divorce, and death happen. Im not a lawyer, or in any way familiar with the law about these things, so my assumption is based on what a friend told me first hand about his experience. April 9, 2012, 1:28 pm. I also think hes kind of a jerk for having sex with someone he cant stand. Id argue the country is not any better off for it, either. I agree that condoms provide significantly better protection than not wearing anything. he delivers the baby from the nursery to your house. Has she tried to convince him to come back to her? Im going out on a very weak limb to say that youre probably a better person than this letter which means youre definitely too good for him. It's not that bad (though I'll take an IUD's 0.6%, thanks). Just because hes willing to pay child support doesnt mean hes not a deadbeat and who would want to be with the kind of boy who would abandon his child. Unwanted or not, they are innocent in this whole mess that your boyfriend and his whatever-she-is created. Man is in quotes becuase no man abandons a woman that he impregnates. You can leave this dude, try to learn to live life on your own, try to show compassion toward your fellow women, and try to learn to identify unhealthy relationships straight away, before you find yourself embroiled in more soap-opera style theatrics. And as an adult who isnt ready to have children, either, I can empathize with his decision. He doesnt have to have a romantic relatioship with her, but if she keeps the baby, and IF he is a real man, then this woman will be in his life for the rest of his, as the child is her child as well as his. He isnt what is best for you. He said theres only a chance. Thats the responsible thing for anyone to do after having unprotected sex and before beginning a new relationship. That way you and only YOU get to decide which woman you deign to procreate with. I think the LW here should wash her hands of this whole mess and stay away from the drama. And as a grown adult; as a person whos lived 40 years and should have acquired a sense of decency and maturity; you should own up to the consequences of your actions. and our And yes, women do use the laws to trap men into financing their lifestyle of choice (as a single mother).. It amazes me how people can say things like That whore slept with my boyfriend! and keep a straight face. Of all the methods, IV drug use is the most effective. April 9, 2012, 10:03 pm, God, are you REALLY this dense? April 11, 2012, 11:50 am. ele4phant You have the proof he banged her and now they have a child together. Likewise, you could find a wealth of men who paid for children who werent theirs. we broke up and he got another girl pregnant. Hes decided on what hes going to do, and it does not involve you. bittergaymark No. Regardless, I again find a double standard in saying he must be scum to not want to be in the childs life but that opting to give a child up for adoption is a perfectly viable choice for a woman. I completely agree. female He has a responsibility to the baby, but thats as far as it goes. lets_be_honest But this doesnt mean that hes not scum. It is duplicated below. Privacy Policy. door to door service. They dont see the need to lie about it, Meanwhile, my friends and I who havent gotten HIV all (surprise, surprise!) So, hey, lets jump on him and discuss how vile he is because he didnt take measures to avoid it (and lets do so without any actual proof that he didnt wear a condom, that she wasnt on the pill, and so on). Just once. April 10, 2012, 9:06 pm. My biological clock is so, so ticking!!!. She looked enough to bang, though, huh? If someone ahead of you slams on their brakes because they want to read a billboard and you hit them, Id guess youd be not be upset, because its your fault and youre aware that cars ahead of you can stop at any point. Whether those parents planned it or not they need to be there for that kid and not just dump it becuase you feel like it. We are so in love with eachother and are with eachother all the time. As of now, all he has done is indicated that he wanted her to have an abortion. if she has a miscarriage because he's back with you, your fault. April 9, 2012, 9:37 am. I mean sure I can relate to the horrible emotions one gets about thinking that their guys (even if hes an ex at this point!) Everyone knows it. Not me. Wow, that was a super bitchy thing to say. Which includes emotional support, not just financial. I am amazed at people who think abortion is wrong for religious reasons, but have no concerns about coitus with people outside of matrimony with people they just met for two minutes. Ive stayed away from this question because I honestly dont think I have a very well informed opinion on the matter. Guy Friday Im perfectly happy to share my experience with you! But by that same logic, you must be prepared to call a woman who doesnt want to be a mom a scumbag for getting an abortion (in the instances the guy wants to keep it but that woman doesnt). bittergaymark And the LW is making it seem as if her poor bf did nothing. Wow. The last 15 girlfriend jokes It's bro's before hoes, not bro's over your girlfriend. I can agree with you that the decision about which medical proceedure she under goes after that point is totally hers., Is it any wonder that 40% of the kids born today are bastards?. If its dude and hes a brain surgeon or something and shes a hot part-time bartender, his child support will be assessed at an amount that will put her in decent rent, a mercedes car payment and plenty left over for nice clothes and dining out, with an occasional weekend getaway thrown in the mix. No one is forcing any woman to have the child and much less to keep it. He gets a girl pregnant and then tells her to get rid of it because its an inconvenience for him to have to deal with it? I think the whole situation is a mess though, & youre 2nd paragraph (She seems proud of his bad-boy ways and his current claim that she is the only woman who can tame him into marriage) is spot-on. Cried my eyeballs out evry nite. IMO there are probably better ways to deal w/ the more egregious incidents of paternity fraud. Ill never leave you. Not only to prevent babies but to protect yourself from STDs. You want to work on your social skills. Not only was she on the pill, but he wore a condom! He was able to find someone else to keep him company.