It is not your position to lend or give . Please help, any advice would be much appreciated! The problem here is layered. We have had the talk and I told him how I feel about his parents dependance on him. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. He told me that without his support the parents will be homeless. How come it is OK for him to give his mom money and cater to her needs/sugar coat EVERYTHING for her..but he is so mean, nasty and down right just hard on me? He needs to know how you feel. Yet he buys them tickets (not on regular basis) to visit family and their grand kids (the other sibling), enrolls them in various programs so they dont get bored, and thinks its very normal. I worry it will haunt both of us as we take the next steps in our lives (renting an apartment soon, buying a home of our own in the future). You dont have a relationship with his parents, and youre not going to support them. 3. If your spouse has no financial independence from you, it could be because hes going through a tough time and needs financial support. Talk to him honestly and openly about how much money you need . I think that right now you need to not focus on "making this work" as far as you rolling over and seeing how you can get yourself to like this, but being honest and if you are miserable with it, be honest with yourself. That leaves me to contribute the rest, about $3000 for rent, food, and utilities. Manage Settings by Akanksha Agarwal. To avoid financial pitfalls stemming from a spouse's bullying behaviour, it is essential to have the money talk before marriage. The long-standing issue #1, however, is his parents' total reliance on him. His mom over the course of the past year, has stopped paying the same amount of rent she used to and has pushed ALL of the bills possible onto my bf and I. He was quite aware that the industrial wealth of the great Flemish communes was financially the mainstay of his power, but their very prosperity made them the chief obstacle to his schemes of unifying into a solid dominion the loose aggregate of states over which he was the ruler. liberty puzzles monet. I would clearly ask what he expects and I would state your concerns, and if things don't change to a livable situation that does not end with a married couple with their own lives and privacy like you want, then end it. Though you say hes been receptive, it doesnt sound like hes taken any action to alleviate your concerns. When Its Not:Estes says there are certain red flags that should not be overlooked. Its more important to examine how the two of you work through these issues. Receive weekly tips & tricks to improve your love life. Your husband doesnt have to give you money, just as you dont have to give your husband money. He has stood by my side through the very rough cancer diagnosis and my recovery.Two years ago, when I victoriously beat cancer, we went away for an idyllic beach . At that point, you should each contribute 50/50 towards rent, household expenses, and utilities. One that accepts you too quickly is also a big no-no. Read on for four non-negotiables that are often overlooked, but that Ive learned to hold on tightly to. If you're together as a family and want to grow I dont see how you'll be able to when he's already supporting one family and living in a basement to do it. Im also not willing to drain all of my savings when I hope to own a home in the future. Our son struggled with some mental-health issues in high school. AH!! My parents are in a good financial situation and dont need my help. I do know people who make the decision to move parents in when they are very old and infirm, but his mother is able bodied and can in theory take care of herself but instead she chooses to rely on her son and he lets her. My boyfriend and I have an income gap in our professions, so he financially supports me. He has a good career and could have makeup for his financial difficulties if he did NOT have to support them. Even if true, I told him I dont mind he doesnt have a house or in debt, one thing I have hard time accepting is giving a min of $2k/mo to them. Location: Napa - wine country. I think you need to decide what your bottom line is and if having his Mom living with you or financially dependent on you is not acceptable, then frankly i think this guy is not the right guy for you. His income is barely covers his outflow. BUT if he refuses to talk about it, deflects, gets angry, talks only in generalities of the "Oh you know, just dumb decisions," but won't give specifics, tells you that it will be addressed AFTER you marry or it's so unromantic to talk about these things or this proves you don't love him then run far away and fast. You seem to have the experience that they are basically leeching off of him, so what are you guys going to do about it? A lot of men will also try to control the money of their wife or use a woman financially because they cant deal with the fact that a woman is more financially stable than they are. The key component is compromise. HELP!!! . Subscribe to our free Business by the Bay newsletter. 2. If your boyfriend is in a temporarily bad situationhe lost his job and he's looking for another, or he's putting all his money toward paying off debtthings may be okay. You accept his family are using him, but that doesn't justify my behavior towards our finances. I think, the majority think I expect too much, and am too controlling. Its not just about financial security, its also about showing that someone is willing to get up every day and do what it takes to take care of themselves and work towards a higher goal.. Neither of us have any children. Am I making a mistake? The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. First, talk to your boyfriend about it. Family-oriented includes spending quality time together, celebrating with one another, and supporting each other. The Romantic Comedy You Should Watch This Valentines Day, Based On Your ZodiacSign, How To Stop Stressing Over YourRelationships. It's very okay to support your boyfriend financially. You're a relative stranger. I'm not thrilled, but I'd rather live at home with him, than rent and waste money we could have used for a house. However, there are some certain things that you can look out for, and as long as you know what youre looking for, youll be able to figure out if your husband really is using you financially. Additionally, some men may need to be shown the impact that his actions, or his inaction, can have on a person. However, if your boyfriend isn't helping you out financially and you need assistance, there are things you can do to get what you need. by Jessica Blake Oct 11, 2019. It's the complete opposite for men. Distancing yourself. He pays for 85 percent to 100 percent of their rent (which is pretty pricey), and for food, utilities and other costs. Love is sweet but it's sweeter if the two parties support each other financially . You can't meddle in his financial affairs at this time. Unfortunately, our website is currently unavailable in your area. He Only Shows You Affection When You Pay For Things. Its very heartbreaking, I love him dearly but really cant understand his decision to provide for his parents at the expense of living like this in his prime time. The important thing is to establish what is going to happen when you get married. However, age gap relationships are not without challenges. Still, Im a firm believer that all adults should know to make a decent omelette and steak, and they should want to wash the dishes within a few hours of the meal. The beauty (yes, beauty) in being knocked down when you're in a relationship is that you have some help getting up. What you need to hear is some concern for your feelings. These skills are not only about self-sufficiency (and a dislike of smells and critters), but show that one is interested in enjoying life and not too lazy to go beyond the basics. His mom probably has limited skills and plus she is in her 50s now so why shouldn't she get a break. They might not even bring their wallet along with them anymore because they expect you to pay for all of their expenses now. But aside from the obvious traits one should avoid in a mate: aggression (passive or outright), disrespect, a lack of manners, empathy and/or intelligence, there are those red flags that look a softer shade of pink behind rose-colored glasses. He keeps saying he thinks we need to each have a certain amount saved ( a few grand) before we can get our own place. I think its important to get to the root of the matter and find out why he feels obligated to help her out in the manner that he does. His current financial situation is because of wrong investments and mostly putting all his savings in one basket, trying to have his own business and spending substantial amounts of money with little success. When Its Workable:If he just doesnt know how to clean the toilet or chop an onion, but is open to learning, feel free to move past go. Its nice when a man is close with his mother, but if she knows where you are 24-7 or is snuggling in-between the two of you on movie night, youll feel more like a sibling than a significant other (been there, dated that). When Its Not:If your mans mom is having an issue every time you have a date or the majority of his conversations include his family members, it may be time to cut the chord. Rent, groceries, bills, car, cellphone, you name it. 6. As long as hes paying all of his parents bills, nothing is going to change. Ask Amy: I think my boyfriend should stop financially supporting his ex Perspective by Amy Dickinson June 23, 2022 at 12:00 a.m. EDT Article Dear Amy: I started seeing "James" three months. Better yet, these traits can help to make a relationship work even when youve had an initial set-back. Financial insecurity is also one of the top reasons women return to an abusive partner. 21 pieces of unsolicited advice for you, the brokenhearted. But I cant pay for our hypothetical apartment on my own for long. He's moved in with me now, in an attempt to save more money. Dear Penny: Should I change my kids inheritance for my online girlfriend? By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. A mans work ethic is a reflection of his character, says Jennine Estes, M.F.T and author ofRelationships In The Raw. Of course, most couples choose to still keep personal accounts, but they will have a joint account to save money for bills every month. Example 1: Sam recently lost their job, so they moved in with their friend Chris until they could get back on their feet. However, there are some things that you need to do if your spouse is financially irresponsible. Started Thursday at 10:05 PM, By Ps. 1. As for the other relationship issues, I would actually suggest mentally postponing them until you get into a safe . He uses the words "I'm not going to abandon my family", but they are the ones that abandoned him (boarding school that he hated for years + his mum lives in another country for almost half the year, so he has to look after his brother and sister). The issues listed above will provide a great . You need to verify if this is true, by the way. It also highlights his self-esteem. We are getting serious about our relationship (talking moving in, marriage etc)and I feel VERY uncomfortable (borderline unacceptable) with his commitment. They are from another country that the exchange rate is horrible. If you have any questions or requests, please contact us at 727-317-5800. However, if your spouse is innocently leaning on you financially, they wont spend your money recklessly. I think, I just want a strong future, and I don't see that with his family in the picture. We have grown up with fairy tales and romantic comedies that have told us that the ultimate goal in life is to find our true love and live happily ever after. took some money outta ma savings to help him buy a car. First, you've only known him for four months. There are so many people out there who look like walking disasters financially but that is because they have not been able or called (!) IF what he says is even true about them not being able to work, not having savings, and can't get benefits. I know his parents dont have savings. It can be an incredibly difficult situation to deal with, both emotionally and financially when your husband is financially irresponsible. So, without further adieu, lets get into it! Problem is, his family are always asking for money, and no matter how much it is, he will give, even if he / we can't afford it. It would be very easy for him to argue that he would be able to put all his income to his debt and recover faster if you did that. Btw both him and his sibling have been supporting themselves after graduating high school! However, in recent years, the idea of being single has gained more acceptance and understanding. Youre not alone, a lot of people are in the same situation as you, so dont suffer alone. Do they know about you? I have more in my savings than he does and lately he has been VERY nasty towards me saying things like, "well if you were more motivated and weren't so bad at saving money we wouldn't have to live with my mom anymore" I feel that this is not the case, but he is unwilling to see or except ANY of his faults (another big red flag) How come it is OK for him to give his mom money and cater to her needs/sugar coat EVERYTHING for her..but he is so mean, nasty and down right just hard on me?