Them : Ah, then Ill get back to you (They never get back to you). That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. I can find someone else, so dont worry if youd rather not-Mittens likes you, so I thought of you first, but I know at least two people who have been angling for some alone time with the fountain., Translation: Here are all the ridiculous things I am asking for, and the dubious rewards I can offer in exchange. Aunt: Good! Im saying lets not be unkind to the LW for disliking or feeling stress about this particular social situation. Based on your listed interests, it looks like we have a lot in common. Then if someone tries to rope me into something I dont want to do, I can pull out the old Sorry, I have a deadline coming up soon / Im behind schedule so I have to work.. It took a LOOOOONNNNGGG time to train them out of, What are you doing this weekend? I have friends who do that, along with a SIL, and I also find it stressful/annoying. Like I also find whatre you doing this weekend to be pretty normal but also can feel very intrusive, but if I had people in my life like the LWs who were using it to try to make me do things I didnt want to do while making it seem like they were not making me do things itd get to be a really irritating and hair-trigger question pretty fast. Of course, he keeps doing it his way, so I just ask dunno, why? My DH reminds me when predictable events are coming up and advises me to fill up my calendar! !" I always just say What do you have in mind? It hasnt failed me yet! Im planning an event on Day, are you free? At least, it never has for me! The only tricky part I have encountered so far is if you actually say you are busy doing [thing] and instead have planned to watch the Winter Olympics with your cat, perhaps do not write an update about that to Facebook. In fact there the joke of cant do that, I have to.. (silly excuse of having plans like go wash my hair) that day illustrating that sometimes the white lie of making up plans is an easy way to get out of doing something. Answer vaguely. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. It helps that at this point in my life Ive stopped associating with people who dont understand that sometimes you can only have so much fun and then you need some time to like, open all your mail and pet the cat. Also Go ahead and get your friends to hate me and think Im mean, if its ever helpful to you. Is it just me? I know people who mean well dont like hearing this, but I think that its important for people who mean well to also consider how the people they interact with might feel, so I consider this type of information to be useful to anyone who truly wants others to feel welcomed and comfortable. I think it goes back to the same annoyng assumption there are people who assume your time is theirs. You're still implying you have a lot going on, but you're demonstrating that you're handling it. But I have wondered if I answer with imaginary bf and I have x-plans, if the questions would stop. All five are initial questions, appropriate for a relatively fast . It gets exhausting dealing with Got any plans this weekend? starting on Wednesday and then What did you do this weekend? again on Monday. Yeah, my parents did that too. It is perfectly ok to want some calm alone time or time with a cat watching Winter Olympics (that is actually great, our cats especially seem to love skiing) and no-one else really needs to know. Demanding person: Are you busy this weekend? Im relearning advanced math as an adult because it seems fun and Im bitter that I grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged me from learning. This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. And then you get people who let it go there and people who keep fishing (where are your parents from? etc etc because they think its impolite to ask WHAT are you, but they really really want to know, so they know what stereotypes to assign you, as you said, or even because theyre just curious, like youre an object). Although I do the opposite: Im ALWAYS busy/have to work, when certain people ask. Are you busy? 1. Sometimes I go with something like, Im already committed to a couple of things, but they still have to get back to me about when, exactly, theyre happening. I was never taught that was the correct answer. She had already asked him. And then coming up with all kinds of bizarre but obvious lies about how they reason theyre acting that way is solely for *my* benefit. "Better days are coming. By mentioning the weekend, it ' s a great segue to ask them what they ' re doing. Its okay that I usually spend my weekends watching movies/playing videogames/reading and those arent shameful hobbies. So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. Glad that this day is not that worse. They are asking whether you want to go on a date with them on Thursday. Which sometimes was fine but not always. The. Flip the question back to them. They dont really need the details, and wouldnt know what to do with them. Be polite. Being a grown up with a family, studies and a job, friends and hobbies my life is often busy and so is my friends so we often use this website https://doodle.com/ but then people always know what kind of an event we are trying to schedule. I make it about my feelings for a bunch of reasons. I think Im just reacting to the comments that seem to me to have a Thats just the way it is, you have to deal vibe, partly because it seems to make sense that someone would write in for specific strategies of how to deal while getting as much of what they want and as little of what they dont want as possible. This business of judging what another adult does with their leisure hours (with the obvious caveat that they harm no one) is bad enough, but insisting on the right to interrupt that time to set another adult extra chores is unreasonable in most circumstances, and not good for anybody. Whereas a lot of us see the advantages, like the precision you noticed, to some form of rapid written communication that wasnt around decades ago. The Captain covered it with saying the question isnt going away. My ILs do this. It doesnt actually mean how are you? in the same way that goodbye does not actually mean God be with you. What it means is, I acknowledge you, fellow human being. In some ways, its helpful to think of it not as a phrase but as a pair of words: how-are-you, fine-thanks-and-you. "See, I will finally make you smile.". I think it can also be a way of getting to know a person, or the kind of small talk that people in some regions feel they HAVE to make if they want to be polite. Even though Ive done the layering myself, I dont usually hear it as an attempt to give me all possible puts. So she says no. That doesnt make it okay. Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. I hate ditherers with the passion of a thousand suns. I dont know what would do the most damage for NYCs daughter long-term, but I do know that no matter the form it ultimately takes, the preservation of parental lines of dominance into the adulthood of the child will do real damage long-term. Thanks, I woke up like this. Yup. Because if she werent a family member, Id throw her out on her ear; she sure as hell wouldnt be in my home with all her stuff. You? and see if he gets stuck in a loop. WHAT WILL YOU DO AT THE WEEKEND?? 4. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. On the other end, I have a tactic for weekend planning. Great! Thats the way to go. that kind of thing), whereas work is seen as almost virtuous, as my family holds work/money in high regard, and my hours are unusual enough that no one can remember what they are. I think the reason is that telling people about fun things is potentially fairly personal. Vulgarity from a total stranger is an instant turnoff. No, it had just been earlier that very day. It generally meant that they had read somewhere on some really stupid website that you should try to get the girl you want to talk about herself, because girls like to talk about themselves. have a Canadian accent that some USians pick up, and I dont mind if people ask if Im Canadian). I sympathize with their reasons for having trouble planning, but I also do find it a little irksome that they only initiate actual plans once a year for their birthday while still making all the sounds about wanting to hang out. Funnily enough, my co-workers are also doing laundry. But I have made a major effort to train myself to STATE WHAT I WANT first. He hardly ever asks anymore though. Do you feel obligated to help hosting her party when she wants to invite her people over? Me: Nope. LW is a better person than I; I would be tempted to say, I desperately need to re-grout the bathroom and weed the garden. Shampooing the grass. No useful data is exchanged, its just polite social grease to ease people along in their day without ignoring each other (which is definitely read as rude). Probably just working on some homework. He said, Oh yeah? and just went on, no indication that he was asking for any reason other than general curiosity. There was definitely conflict where trying to balance and figure out fairness, safety, and compassion were difficult and sometimes heated. Youre my first choice, but you are not my last hope., (3) So, I know this is a little awkward, but recently Ive realized I like you in a um well, in a romantic way, and I would love it if we could maybe go out on a date sometime and see how that goes? I still have the same question of why do this? Its technically true and covers pretty much any emotion you might be feeling. Am I? Its usually along the lines of what are you doing on April 17th? Of course I dont likely have plans that far away, and I feel tricked into committing to be his date for some boring thing on a precious Saturday evening. Good, looks like the flowers are coming out (in Spring) If I were any better, I'd be you. Im white and an immigrant in the country where I live. Other Half keeps the diary, I need to check.. Then match the sentences with the correct picture. Follow. You (if you are not up for it, whether the reason is actual business or not wanting to at all) oh, I wish I could Usually, the asker will tell me why they asked after I answer, no matter what the answer is (busy, not busy, dont know). My go-to script for these (which I HATE) is an equally noncommittal, Why, whats up? Im not saying I do or dont have plans, but Im going to figure out why theyre asking me the question. "You know I can do this anytime.". Im super introverted and have medium to high levels of anxiety, depending on the situation. I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. Thats already happenedshe made a big stink about her dad telling her that they were all going to do something to support me at a time when I was really upset (something that would have taken about an hour of her time). This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. I mean, what else are you supposed to do with life? I disagree concerning the Where are you from? part. Sometimes I feel like this is just another Hi, how are you? kind of question that can be sort of skipped over. The comment is sometimes a small talk, meant to affirm that we like seeing each other, and sometimes a prequel to an invitation. LW has a LOT of reason to be bugged by this approach to seeking a date it carries a hefty implied threat because of what abusive men in our society have built it into en masse. As a little anecdote my ex-husband and I had just started attending a new ward in his church when a guy our age wed chatted with a few times asked us what we were doing on Halloween. So I know what youre talking about. If they want to tell you about their job, they can. I saved up enough to move out. It shows that you're a calm and cool person who is easy to talk to and has no problem whether someone says hey or hello. What are you up to this weekend? is an absolutely normal question and learning to use it is not a failure of yourself. in a family meeting you decide that father empties the dishwasher, daughter cooks on weekdays, mother cooks on weekends or whatever) which also lets her develope that skills. And I have to say, my, Toss her out and let her adult, is in flat contradiction to my frequent assertion that successful launching has been economically tough for young adults for some time now. If you follow through with people you actually want to see (as in, Can I let you know tomorrow? = You actually let them know one way or another tomorrow), you arent being a jerk by not responding immediately to their questions or invitations, and you dont owe a full accounting of your time. No way. Yay! Sam sends Julia a text at 9 PM on Saturday night, with an idea that could give the company an edge in customer service's call hold times. Nothing? Good, the colors on the leaves are amazing (in Fall) morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. Maybe you can Google it. person: Hey, hiya, rya? So with someone new, Did you do anything good last weekend? But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. What are you up to on Saturday? has often been my go-to when dealing with someone (like my sister) that I *know* will feel pressured to accept whatever Im suggesting whether or not she wants to or has the time/energy for it. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. Darn, my wife wants me home early [so we can watch Netflix on the couch with our cat].. I find looking out for the people who cause difficulty when things dont go their way, is more useful than trying to figure out all the numerous different ways common interactions could be interpreted and trying to use the right one for every situation. This relationship goes both ways. To be honest, not good. What are you doing tomorrow? Vacuuming the cat. She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! Doing great, what are you doing here? Ive noticed that sometimes when coworkers as me what Im doing theyre really just politely trying to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell me all about their exciting weekend plans. Or else, Id rather people not start a conversation unless they have something specific to say, unless its somebody like my sister who I know well enough to talk about nothing and enjoy it. You have actually internalized a very common social rule. If a stranger or acquaintance says, How are you? its mostly just meant as a greeting, and you greet them back by saying, Im good, thanks or Doing alright or Oh fine, and you? Just some standard vague but positive-sounding reply. #1078: Sooooooowhat are you doing thisweekend?, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. So if someone said What are you doing next Thursday? I imagine they said Would you like to do something on Thursday? (Wriggle your hips) I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat doggy. Id like to leave you with a couple of last thoughts to consider: One is that you say she has reacted to, We are going to by hearing a command and responding accordingly. Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. Especially if I have reason to suspect its just going to be some variation of wanna hang out? if you have something concrete to suggest, lead with that! What are you doing? To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. I feel like sometimes there is such a huge anti-parent bias among the commenters here. Nah, Why do you ask is generally pretty safe to take literally. With friends and family you can be more honest if you like, but you dont have to. The pushback on needing brain time though makes sense. (My brother and sister in particular also had to learn from both their friends and myself that, just because they love me and love them doesnt mean that were all friends) I could only imagine if that question were followed by an expectation of service or freedom to assume I was going to a thing. I don't know, you tell me. Im glad for the above scripts! If Im 100% sure that I dont want to do the thing based on the asker I treat this as open license to complain about how busy I am. (Say it like he or she is complimenting you even though he or she is not.) Sometimes I think if Im going to make something up it might as well be along the lines of going to the moon or whatever. Indoor Cat raised some good points. Sometimes, it's good to be a little silly and fun! This is a very funny response to give to "whats up." You might not know exactly what you want to do in life, but you certainly know what you don't want to do. Funny Responses To How Are You Save Image: Shutterstock Somewhere between better and best. Or, if I tell a potential date some generic things (oh, probably reading and writing a lot) and add that Id like to take a break so they know Im open, Im engaging in the same coy behavior thats bothering me in the first place.