(You might want to share with her an excellent resource about responsive desire, Emily Nagoskis book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life.). Ive been married three times and my third wife is the number one compared to the first three. Even with some ED we can still have a good orgasm..but she wont even touch me.. Im not a bad looking guy, and tend to her needs materially.. but sex is off the table. We have no children. I would like to add that many women also feel a great deal of resentment which builds over time I had literally experienced everything you mentioned in your post and then I had a bilateral mastectomy and chemotherapy for breast cancer. Virtually every woman Ive been with, and there werent that many, experienced a lot of discomfort with me penetrating them no matter how gentle and slow I took it, with or without lube, and regardless of how excited they were). Its all a crock. Should a wife forsake any of these advantages for the principle of equality? John, where do you live, and do you play golf regularly without your wife ? Wooing is a life-long endeavor. Doing some bootie grabbing or not being a standing up participant?!? Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. The Bible says to not deny one another because it leads to stumbling. She doesnt complain about helping me out but intercourse is quite painful for her and I dont want to press it if shes in pain. Anyway, I simply want you to know that as many women as men are trapped in this sadness. Men empathize with women in a way that women do not with men; men *want* to make decisions that benefit women, individually and as a group (the Women are Wonderful effect, which both men and women exhibit). In a long-term relationship, the partner with the higher libidowhich is not always . "There is also much more pressure on any sex youdohave since it's happening less frequently; it feels like there is much more at stake each time the two of you are intimate. Over 12 years no sexual contact. We had enjoyed a lovely sex life, with the usual speed bumps (kids, work,etc) but we never stopped. Lack of interest does not equate to lack of love. She doesnt even let me see her naked. Gopa explains how such mental health issues can affect your physical intimacy. After reading most of the above letters I have come to the conclusion that married couples, for the most part, have all entered into relationships, never having the correct training. For most women, sexual desire is fueled by romantic feelings for their partner. We are both quite healthy but she has little interesting sex now. I am so tired of these therapists and all there lets support the one who doesnt want sex but dismiss the one who is still in love and desires romance more than anything with KEEP MASTURBATING Right now Im going on over three months since shes wanted sex. My husband and I both have gained weight. And lots of different health issues and life circumstances can affect your hormones, as can taking hormonal birth control (i.e., the pill). Here are the 15 most probable reasons behind your wifes lack of interest in intimacy. After being away for a month I lay there hoping to speak to to my wife and greet her in the morning after a long nights sleep. Fundamentally, it comes down to 3 choices: leave, cheat, or suffer. I like cuddling. While its good to get to the root of the problem so you can resume a healthy, happy relationship, checking in with yourself is also good. Most women who go through postpartum depression also find it increasingly difficult to get physically involved. Sometimes the answers are only inside of us. Here is a video explaining mental illness that might help. Yes it seems so mechanical and cut and dry the way some men are, so no sex is much more appealing. Its at least mean . I asked her how long will this take for you to get over this panic stuff. If it was the husband doing that wives would be screaming How dare You. Trying to feel sexual and struggle through it and pretend is so hard, and brings me only sadness that I have to pretend after years of being honest. Especially if you once had a, One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. Harley Feeling loved and getting affection, including sex is important to me. They seem just as happy as any other married couple. he is very persistent. My advice would be to sort these problems out before the years pass and certainly before there are children as I think most men have a stronger sense of loyalty and decency than they are often given credit for and are willing to forgo what is a very primal need for the sake of a stable relationship. I am a 52 year old woman who has had a hysterectomy and has gone through menopause and I have always had a high libido and still do. I told him I heard him doing that and I told him if he ever did that again I would divorce him. After having surgery 2 years ago for testicular cancer my wife wont touch me. And when that happens, what used to turn you on about your wife wont turn you on anymore. My wife and I hadnt had sex for more than a year. She would reluctantly use lubrication when I complained and promised to find a solution. As I recall when we first started dating we were watching porn together. How can I let my wife know how sexy I find her? But at this point I dont think her interest in sex will ever revive, so what would your advice be? I was not going to reward her or fall into another hug with nothing more than a few seconds of holding, and then a push off. Life is definitely funny. If they did, they would be taking care of business! Sometimes a married woman isn't interested in having sex with her spouse because she's simply not in the mood right now. Please explain to me. Sex is extremely painful, regardless of whatever I use to try and counteract the problem. I need to feel cherished, looked at and touched in a non-sexual way THEN when I feel loved and safe, I want to please my man. Every time he gets mad he threatens to move out. Reading some of the commentary I can identify with the concerns.I fantasize frequently about past relationships and what might have been but I only become sadder. There is a lot more going on there. Quick and fast is also good. Key points. Im 63, sexless for many years, and your essay really hit home. !, so we better act tough, ya know! Start your own discussion on this topic on Senior Planet Community. Discuss it with her: Share this iMOM article with your wife and discuss it: 4 Things You Can Do When Youre Not in the Mood. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter. that found low levels of self-esteem harmed a womans sexual functions. If you are tired of initiating intimacy and your wife doesnt want sex anymore, it may be time to consider marriage counseling. If your wife doesnt feel confident about her physical appearance, she may have inadvertently shut down your sex life. I want to be involved in sex to enjoy the feeling of being loved by a woman.. in bed nothing happen just sleep. There's nothing wrong with the lower-libido partnerthey simply just don't want sex as often as the other person. Plus why would you want to have sex with someone who isnt interested? Oh stfu. If you put her down and belittle her confidence, you cant hide behind something like, My wife rejects me all the time, she adds. Do this consistently, eat a mostly protein based diet and cut out sugar for 6 months and report back. Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. Still, feeling like your wife doesnt want sex anymore? We were easy pickings since that biological clock was ticking louder and she still hadnt landed Chad. If his wife refuses to explore solutions he will need to tell her the following. If you have gone through months or years of being patient with your wife and still arent feeling physically connected, it may be time for marital counseling. I cannot hurt him. We do love each other though. After 8.5 years in my sexless marriage, I almost found the phrase Youve both gone so long without sex together funny, though it is far from that. Oh my goodness you sound so defeated. That partner depriving you of that intimacy does not give a damn what you do just as long as you do not bother them about it or it interferes with their favorite TV show! If you think your wife avoids intimacy because of an underlying condition, its best to seek medical help at the earliest. Good luck. However this does not mean that sex should just cease and its quite difficult for one party in a marriage or long term relationship to just do without something like this because the other party has lost interest (or is depressed), or whatever. After reading this feed, thanks for sharing stories but I know where dirty old man comes from, darn wives holding out! Makes me happy Im not married. 3, stop calling her names and no more fights with give you more chances of having sex with her that night. Sadly so, leave! "Some of the pressure comes from the idea that you 'should' be having sex. She has absolutely no interest in it. This is hard, because of my upbringing and the fact she is a wonderful person in every other way. But men also have 12-15 times more testosterone than women far higher sex drives and are capable of siring hundreds of times more children than women are capable of bearing. "Anatomically and physiologically, decreasing estrogen and just plain aging cause potential problems for our libido," Hardwick-Smith writes in her book. Be truthful. Im just not happy & want much more for in life. Sorry about no sex demise. Loved sexI mean with exuberance and joy. Meanwhile. Sex for men is like passing gas or eating: its just a physical thing that needs to get done. A husband must shoehorn that sex drive into the confines of marriage, where only his wife can accommodate it. . Many seniors are in the same situation and we feel your pain. She is just plain not sexually attracted to me. She wont do therapy and I dont want sex because someone forces her to. You need to be in the counseling with her because if there is no goal to overcome the issue then its just a feel good talk of sympathy and thats not treatment. Having a regular marriage check-in can help you keep an eye on your relationship and ensure you are satisfied with how much time you spend together in the bedroom. Does your wife struggle with self-love? But each night i rub her feet and tickle her thighs..she just lays there ..and I go out and sleep in a recliner. Yes, life is complicated indeed, but I dont believe there is a season for sex and then not a season for it. I became so dry that sex was painful, we tried different lubricants but nothing really helped much. If your wife never initiates affection, its time to take the pressure off. Prostate cancer is the #1 cancer in older men and when the prostate is removed during surgery it makes a man totally impotent no erection, no ejaculation, no orgasm plus total incontinence which means the post cancer patient needs to wear Depends diapers for the rest of his life. Its is not your role. I have rekindled a relationship that ended over fifty years ago with a woman I dated right before I met my wife. Also add to the equation what is another possibility here: sexual coercion. 1 use and money making business on the internet. Honey I can assure you 100% hes not doing without sex hes at the prime age to have sex I couldnt tell you why he didnt wanna have sex with you but Im going through the same thing with my wife. While its good to get to the root of the problem so you can resume a healthy. I have tried everything too, to no avail, things only get worse, not better. I fail to see the point of continuing further. If you have always been the one to initiate intimacy in your relationship, take a step back and tell her how sexy you think it would be for her to be the one to reach out. Isnt going to happen. Its not an option. I only wrote this, to just say it. Its just torturing me for no reason. You take care of you! My husband never had my love of sex. But to then take into account the Catholic Churchs stance on that interjects another sticking point, if I may use that term. Arthritis: No Cure, But Ways to Ease the Pain. I know we are very different people and and I am not trying to change her as much as letting her know the effects of being so distant and often dismissing my feelings yet I have to be totally responsive to her to keep her happy. My nephews, 1x/month on average, so I dont over do with outside the marriage things at all nor overspend, AT ALL. In case you have nothing to hide, work on communication exercises with your partner to be able to tell her that there is no need for trust issues. But the reason is sexual attraction. She always had 2 orgasms before me. It in no way makes it reasonable or responsible to simply do nothing about it If youre in a relationship, and you just throw your hands up and say, Oh, sorry about your luck honey, but were just going to carve the physical intimacy out of our relationship, and pretend it doesnt matter, then YOU, my friend, are a cruel and selfish asshole. Lets discuss some of the most frequently asked questions related to what to do if your wife never initiates intimacy. But at 50 she started to loose interest and dry up. You are absolutely right, foreplay is an ongoing and wonderful thing, but for most women, after menopause, and the estrogen dries up, sex becomes too painful because of the dryness. So, get your act together, start showering in the evenings, put on some cologne for her and, most importantly, keep things well groomed and hygienic down there. Take time to learn about the secrets of sex all women wish men knew, learn your way around her body and plan a special evening together. Our house is free and clear which is due to my earning a lot over 30 years and being conservative with money. I think I was just the sperm donor and now I am the sugar daddy that provides her a comfortable life. Our finances have never been merged and the only money between us has been my initial investment in her business. Im in my 70s now and dont care any more, hes retired and works in his shop on cars mostly. so that leaves to so totally frustrated angry resentful and I hate to say it but it is beginning to I think turn to I hate her. That you would elevate paid sex with a stranger above the shared intimacy and love found only after years together as partners says even more. Is this the same advice you would give a man that is in a sexless marriage? Some women have no idea of how belittled this makes a man feel, and its not just a matter of getting our rocks off since we can do that ourselves. I am familiar with all of this and I kept silent for a very long time. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? Maybe she rejects your sexual advances whenever you make them, and it's been a long while since you've had sex with each other. Will: I was very disturbed to read your post. both my parents are senior. If shes got a spouse who is extremely suspicious, shes not going to feel trusted or respected. If your vagina is dry, find out why. My wife determined several years ago that she no longer has that connection to me, and will eventually leave. Laura. So.. I worked sat and sun all holidays and gave away vacation. We have talked and talked with and without therapist, but its just talk. She has rejected counseling and even criticizes my masterbation or porn. No sex for about 20 years. I cannot believe that is wasnt suggested that the LWs wife work with a functional doctor who can work with plant based bio identical hormones that can probably increase her desire. Which now seems gone forever. Because I am not attractive to her. I am very sexually frustrated and a different Danish upbringing with a healthy attitude. Or does it not matter what the man wants? But dont give up! The females in my family have unusually strong sex drives. In other cases, it can also be if youve betrayed her trust in the past. He just isnt interested and blames it on his diabetes. I have a high libido and masterbate frequently, which I know she is aware of. 8 reasons why your wife never initiates intimacy, 5 things to do if your wife never initiates intimacy, My wife never wants to have sex 8 ways to initiate intimacy, 15 Things A Woman Can Do to Spice Up the Bedroom, How to Have Better Sex in a Marriage: 20 Helpful Tips, 30+ Best Sex Tips for Women That Drive Men Crazy, 30 Hot Sex Games for Couples to Play Tonight, 10 Helpful Tips if Youre Tired of Initiating Intimacy, 5 Benefits of Maintenance Sex for Relationships and Marriage, How Physical Relationship Before Marriage Affects Your Relationship, How Relationship Coaching for Men Can Transform Your Love, 30 Traditional and Modern Anniversary Gifts Year by Year, Relationship Bullying: Meaning, Signs and What to Do, 100 Romantic and Funny Questions to Ask Your Husband, Top 100 Wedding Registry Ideas That Can Make You Happy, 100+ Inspirational Womens Day Messages for Your Wife, 50 Fun Things For Couples To Do At Home When Bored, 100 Best International Womens Day Quotes for Your Lady, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, Sexless Marriage: Reasons, Effects & Tips To Deal With It, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. My other half sees it as rejection and makes angry threats. Instead of focusing on harmful sentiments like, What to do when wife wont put out? try to work on the issues you two are having. It doesnt necessarily make it better but it makes sense. well she decided we will not have sex, and to top it off, she has panic if she touches me and me touching her. She doesnt like the image she sees in the mirror and that quells any sexual desire within. The more I got, the more I wanted. I am fine with him pleasuring himself and even using porn is fine. Yet even in my early 60s I have stronger desire than my partner does. The best thing to do when y our partner doesn't want to be intimate is to ask them about it, point blank. I am 65 and raring to go and caopable of satisfying a woman in her 30s. Her duty? My wife and my sex life was pretty damn good before she developed breast cancer and had a double mastectomy, even though she went through early menopause (in her 40s). I cuttle with her, hold her close, hold her hand in public and we talked about it. Thats whats even more hurtful. I realized that her life and passion are our girls (which she refers to as her girls). Your stereotypes are both incorrect AND insulting. But then she had a full hysterectomy to further reduce her hormone production, and from then on, sex has all but stopped. But they can FORCE their partners to NOT have sex and No one seems to want to talk about that. Given the fact that 34%, (some studies say as high as 40%) of women and 15% of men dont like/want sex, is it any wonder that 50% of marriages end in divorce? Wtf do you think he has been doing. I like to think there is hope but unsure. There has never been either emotional OR physical closeness beginning soon after the marriage. Many marriages have been ruin, husband are sad, desperate, when wives started to isolate themselves. Ive moved on!!! She looks at it like I was cheating on her. It is sad and hurtful and I felt she only did me favor to have sex with me.. We have 3 young kids so divorce is not an option and I had been sleeping in guest room for almost 6 months now.. I was being shipped out to Vietnam and we both were afraid of losing eachother. At least you go that far to keep your marriage happy, intake, blessed. If you would like to express a comment about Senior Planet locations or programs, please contact supporters@seniorplanet.org. He is always sitting alone. We havent had sex in over a year and a half because of my wifes lack of interest. Then she wakes and l turn my head to see her reach across pick up the phone and begin scrawling through and tapping away. When was the last time you went out on a date together? 25 Romantic Things To Say To Your Husband, 12 Things To Do When Husband Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic, 7 Ways To Get The Romance Back After Having A Baby, 10 Best-Selling Relationship Books Couples Can Read Together, How To Make Up For Forgetting Your Anniversary 8 Ways To Do It. Amen. We are still asexually active and every time we see couples enjoying sex, it puts extreme sadness in our souls because we are faithful to our partner. For many of us, male and female, the virtue of sex resides in the shared experience. I am talking about virtual reality and toys for Men like the flesh light, that can at least make the situation bearable. We could have worked it out. But unfortunately I do feel that it is my fault I just wish I knew what and that I could make it better. People need to be kept warmed up all the time before things can get hot again, they need to feel wanted, appreciated and valued before they actually want sex and are in the mood for sex. Is it something we should split over? I hope the partner didnt expect to share the celibacy. Not a bar person.. any any suggestions. You talk about your wife not being in the mood. Thats an elusive state when were not driven by our hormones. Only your wife herself can tell you the exact reason why she's not interested in having sex with you. . And when that happens, what used to turn you on about your wife wont turn you on anymore. I *must* woo my wife, always. My son is in an open marriage (I know this because he and his wife talk about it openly) and it opened my eyes to the reality that it is unrealistic to expect one person to be able to satisfy all of your sexual needs. It isnt about the phone or computer. Talk about a double standard! If I threw a fit, she would allow it but Buck is correct, who wants to have sex with someone who is repulsed by the act of sex. I have what may be slight ED..but offered to stimulate and play at sex often..there are some really fun marital What to do about it: Make time to emotionally connect with each other and rekindle your soul connection. Hes had issues with porn for a long time. Feel like I wasted my life!!! Not!! I never signed up to be married and not getting sex. I dont know what kind of slob you were married to, but maybe he rolled over and fell asleep because you were so boring and disinterested. . I became completely numb to anything. Well, our partners dont seem to care they are hurting us. I never cared about sex when I was 35 or now at 76! Who knows, maybe something will change as nothing stays the same. I totally understand your story. I take it religiously, because it helps me in the gym and with mental clarity. If the marriage has made you take your personal hygiene for granted, this lax attitude could be a total turn-off for her. He snores so he sleeps in his own bedroom. No one is talking about wives whose husbands are the one that doesnt want sex. Married 23 years. Sounds like you had a good long run and shouldnt be complaining. So selfish and controlling . Good luck to you all and hope the juices start flowing soon for those that feel deprived. It got to the point that he wanted sex badly and was about to lose his mind. By the way, I love, desire, and adore my husband, but I recognize I will never have my needs met after almost 50 years. The last time I had sex was in 1997. Yes, totally wrong. 90% of my enjoyment of sex is seeing her turned on an having a rip roaring time.