Holy smokes! Said the Foreman. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. I think youll find its perfectly pleasant and does no one any harm. One turns to the other and says, It was a beautiful ceremony, wasnt it?!. What are you doing working here so late at night? Joseph called. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. No wonder you got it at half price, Mick laughed. How do they pee, then? asks the Englishman. The president was happy to oblige. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, Mick measured out the tinsel and gave it to Mary. Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy replies: "In the car." "Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy. 30 funny Scottish jokes: the most hilarious one-liners, puns and gags about Scotland From Frankie Boyle to Billy Connolly, Scotland isn't short of comic jokesmiths - here are thirty funny jokes. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it., Paddy was envious. Sorry, love, can I have a pint of Guinness and a packet of crisps where youre ready there. It wasnt that great, he said. Five minutes later he calls the desk and says. 87 Coronavirus And Quarantine Jokes To Retrain Your Face To Smile. Have you looked for the door? Paddy Irishman replies Well, theres one door that leads to the bathroom. Although youll find heaps of funny Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that have been added by readers in the comments section. Shes over the fu*king moon!'. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. 9. I say, tis a remarkable dong you have there, Paddy was prompted to remark. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. Oh, he died of a heart attack, says Mrs Murphy. The old men look at each other and shake their heads. But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention. Well, says the doctor, Ive been trying to get hold of you for the past 2 days.. This section is just for you. His life insurance 4. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend's. 5 yrs. Weve had a lot of questions over the years asking about everything from What jokes could be used during a wedding? to Which are good for kids?. "Oh, that's OK," says the nurse. The Quickest Way To Cork. 1. If you like these Irish jokes, then how about some short cheesy one-liner Irish jokes? The man replies, "Well father, I ruck big men, and play with balls.". New man: Im a gambler. He says: "So what's bothering you?". Loved the first joke, absolutely legendary!!! Theres probably a handful of great bad Irish jokes below, along with some shite ones, too. Shes worse off than me, Murphy thought. If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a month-long quarantine, you probably should've seen a doctor long before COVID-19. Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?. . 6. Did you hear about the Irish schoolteacher who emigrated to the USA ? Tell me, do you have insurance?. The lawyer thinks that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easilySo the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. Wedding night I got this done in Dublin. This funny collection of friendly and good jokes, riddles and puns about sickness are clean and safe for children of all ages. Mary, for Christs sake can ye be telling me whats for dinner ?. Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I have no clue what it is! Where people seem to think all Irish people live. This is one of the best Irish jokes that Ive come across recently. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. Following is our collection of funny Sick Irish jokes. In a normal tone, he asks Mary whats for dinner my lovely?. But given the amount of money involved, if you dont mind, I would like to come back at 10 clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick." what I think is gas, you might think is crap. Two hours, later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed. Theres a nun standing outside it. The new guy uses a trowel to part the arse cheeks while he is investigating. Sick Jokes. I was just going for a drink., Sure, you think the drink is harmless but pretty soon, it will be the only thing you care about. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. Why did the bike fall over? "Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. Im gonna pretend Ive gone mad! He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, Im a lightbulb, Im a lightbulb! Murphy watches in amazement. He pinned the note inside the little dogs collar and told the dog to go straight home. After a while the seed started to grow more and more. An Irishman was in New York patiently waiting to cross a busy street. I felt SO much pressure to drink when I lived in the UK and New Zealand. Ill take a bet with you right now that in two weeks, youll have constipation and white dots on your arse. "Lord," he prayed, "This is driving me mad. have willies. Sick Day. Lash it into the comments section at the end of this article! It got too warm in the cockpit so he switched off the fan! If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep. Haha. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. 101 Corny Jokes 1. Here, you'll find everything from hike and drive guides to funky places to stay and more! The Irish Potato Famine was a period in Irish history where mass starvation took place, and loads of people died of famine and disease, which of course saw swathes of people emigrating the country just to stay alive. I don't have a carbon footprint. Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. ; Performance management Build highperforming teams with performance reviews, feedback, goaltracking & 1on1s delivered in the flow of work. Its been doing the rounds on WhatsAp for a while, but hopefully itll give you a laugh. What do you call a fella from Dundalk with 400 girlfriends? *While it is legal to own a radar detector in the Republic of Ireland, it is illegal to use it. Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. The Guinness factory 9. The ferry boat hits a rock and starts to sink. a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him, is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had, The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a, raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to. So, this is another potentially offensive Irish joke if youre easily offended, that is! Every day he arrives in a top-spec Mercedes. If you enjoyed this post please pin the image below to your Pinterest board or share this on social media. Yup a McGinny ", followed by 104 people on Pinterest. Yes, Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: Now dont be silly dear, you know that this car doesnt have cruise control. As the garda writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, Cant you please keep your mouth shut for once? The wife smiles demurely and says, You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did. As the garda makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector unit*, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Woman, didnt I tell you to keep your mouth shut! The garda frowns and says, And I notice that youre not wearing your seat belt, Sir. The other builders are wondering how he could afford it and start hassling the foreman, thinking he must be getting better pay. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money .., Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park in 2 hours time, Signed, Paddy from Cork.. Go home, squeeze seven lemons and drink it straight down," the priest said. To Declan &. Youre joking says the patient. St Patrick's Day means that all things Irish are celebrated globally. Bartender, give me the finest beer in the world, a Heineken., The third was the head of Guinness brewery at St. James Gate in Dublin. Paddy says, Sure, everyone is probably watching the band.. The foreman shouts: Paddy, go home. If you are the type of person who enjoys a good dose of Irish jokes, then this little collection will definitely crack you up. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you want the biggest one, he winked. you're going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes. Two paddies were working for the city public works department. Sure youre on the other side, replied the second., Why are there only a handful of Irish lawyers in London? Once more, they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a. peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. It wasnt that great, he said. He asks the first fella for his name and address. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!, Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bars far end. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the company with his axe and knocked on the Foremans door. A priest and a lawyer are on a ferry boat along with a bunch of kids who are on a field trip. They make me so angry that as soon as I finish this drink I'm punching someone." Danny is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Mick, is wearing an earring. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: Never mind, I found one!. The Catholic said mine is powerful, the Buddhist said, no, mine is powerful. ?, Easyyy Murph, I did a shit in one corner and sat in the other!. Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look. Here are 9 of the dirtiest Irish jokes you can only laugh at if you're over 18 . Looking to be cheered up? Confused, the Forman asked, dont you mean the Sahara Desert?, A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, Get me a Guinness before it starts. The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. Yes, this is another potentially offensive and dirty Irish joke involving sheep. Tequila Mockingbird. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. Author Topic: Sick Irish Jokes (Read 11026 times) 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. In the Sahara Forest, replied the Irishman. This Irish joke will bring a smile to your face. About Press Copyright Contact us Creators Advertise Developers Terms Privacy Policy & Safety How YouTube works Test new features NFL Sunday Ticket Press Copyright . Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park in 2 hours time, Signed, Paddy from Cork. He pinned the note inside the little dogs collar and told the dog to go straight home. He parks the car and runs over to them. An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies. Youve done very well so far, said Chris Tarrant, the shows presenter, but for a million euros, youve only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. I havent got a clue. said Mick, So Ill use the last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin So why cant I walk across the water, like my father, me grandfather, and his father before him? Grandma looked deep into Seans troubled eyes, looked at him with kind, benevolent eyes and said, Because they were all born in January, and the lake was frozen over; you were born in August, ye fecking eejit! And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true? After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. It seems that his father, his grandfather, and his great grandfather, had all been able to walk on water on their 48th birthday. The diagnosis Paddy stops by the pub on the way home from the doctor. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Kerry. Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. Paddy and Murphy are on holiday in Santa Ponsa and are running out of money when they see a sign that reads: Spend 10 minutes in a room with a million flies and ear 2000. He puts on his clothes and chases behind her. If you open space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking my whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday." What do you call an Irishman with a case of chickenpox? So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, Do I have to take them every day? No, replies the doctor, take one on a Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman. So the man goes in and orders a pint of Guinness, and a gin and tonic in a cup. The next night, Mick went round to Paddys to buy him a drink. So an Irish woman gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl. With his list, he reached for the most enormous cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it. An Irishman is going into a pub in the countryside. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the presidents office. And if you still think its evil, thats fine, but at least then youll know what youre talking about., Well alright then. Potto. In a normal tone, he asks Mary whats for dinner my lovely? No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says Mary whats for feckin dinner ?. The other lad filling them in. The foreman isnt pleased, but he wants the 200, so he allows an inspection. After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. Yes, Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer. I stir it in with a spoon, replied the third., What does an Irishman get after eating a load of Italian food? The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. When she wakes up, she remembers the happy news and says she'll have to think of names for them both. The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. "Who told you that?". Join here. Whats the distance from The Earth to the Moon? The Irishman doesnt say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-euro note and hands it to the lawyer. One old man says to the other, You know, Sean, perhaps we should learn another language. Ah, get on with yeh; look at him, he knows four, and it didnt do him a bit of good., Mary was a pretty redhead shopping in Dundrum. He asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on Google. -. Everybody assumes you're a seasoned drinker, border-line alcoholic. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes. As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. Stevie Wonder answering the iron. After the fortnight is up, he goes to collect his money. As hes drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had too many drinks says, Hey, whats that little green thing down there? And the Irishman was thinking, This is feckin great, to be sure. Ive had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months .., This time, the priest questioned, Who IS this Fanny Green .. ? A new woman in the neighbourhood, father, he replied. I will, says the friend. He was only saved by Mick, who managed to pull him back into the boat. An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He asks if God wants to hear a holocaust joke. Pat(who had never seen an elevator before) responded. They are both legless 3. The new man is hired at a building site. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'. Two weeks later, the doctor walks down the street and sees the patients wife.. ? he replies. A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. In Memory Of My Motherland Seamus was tending bar when a patron came in and ordered a beer and a shot. 2 million hours - The average time men spend trying to find out why their darling is angry with them. What do alcoholics and amputees have in common? Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors. Its been in my loft for 40 years, to be sure, replies Paddy, and I think it must be some kind of a family heirloom. I see, says the expert. The eyes of every man in the Church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Taking a stupid bet like that. FOR F*** SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!! A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River $100. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, Do you think theyll serve any food on this cruise?, The second man says, I dont think so. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. It's an old one but certainly, doesn't disappoint. Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? Here is your money .. Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to havefailed. "Paddy jokes" are St. Patrick's Day favorites. BOOOOOOs. The famine started in 1845 and continued until 1852, which in historical terms, basically happened yesterday morning. It was a cold Friday evening when the doorbell rang is Mrs Molloys house. And some people aren't missing a chance to spice up the hard . They dont, says the Irishman. What did he call the boy?". Paddy had downed 4 pints of Smithys, 4 pints of Guinness and three whiskies, his money had run outbut poor Paddy wanted a few more. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. You see, were normally a three-man team. He walks in, approaches the bar and says, Hola bartender, I would like to have the finest beer in the world. There was a traffic cop manning the crossing. Parlez-vous Francais, he asks. Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. Hes a leprechaun. "Will it help?" she asked. The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. I cut the tree down, said the Irishman. This time the Englishman is really mad! 3)- But you HAVE to drink, you're Irish. Two Irish lads were working for the local county council. I just drive everywhere. Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure. The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Booger 17 Hospital 6 Medicine 3 Sickness 21 Sneeze 17. Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. Ah here, you drank those very quickly said the barman. Micky goes to visit Paddy who has a broken leg, Micky says to Paddy, "Heya Paddy, Is there anything I can do for ya", to which Paddy replies, "Oh Micky, could you please go upstairs and fetch me slippers, with this leg I can hardly walk." Tony, he called. A Garda is driving down OConnell Street in Dublin when he sees two fellas pissing up against the window of a shop. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned. The bartender says, "Hey.". Score: 20. The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a Danny knows Mick to be a normally conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden . Because only a few of them could pass the bar., Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher in the national school in Westport? A farmer!. Thats right, said the lawyer. But why are you asking? And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. The next morning at exactly 10 oclock, the elderly woman arrived at the presidents office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the presidents testicles were square. Your first sentence is correct; however, your reason for the joke being funny is off. 19 Jokes About Getting Sick That'll Make You Laugh Then Cry "being sick is like taking a day off but in a dead persons body" by Anthony Rivas BuzzFeed News Reporter 1. ? The garda looks over at the woman and asks, Does your husband always talk to you this way, Maam? Smiling sweetly, she replies. The Englishman was thinking, The Irish fella must have kissed Julia, and she missed him and slapped me instead. Julia Robert was thinking, The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it. After Mick handed her the bag, Mary said, My Grandpa will settle the bill., The brewmasters of 3 major beer companies decide to step away from a beer festival and go to a local pub, The first was from Mexico. He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note. He packed his bag that night and drove to, Mick once again, and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken. With his list, he reached for the most enormous cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it. This is a massive issue when living abroad. Is that your final answer? asked Chris. Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. Whats the story? Paddy asks when he sees the look on Sheamuss face. So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me whats for dinner? Dad put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. This Irish joke will bring a smile . Whats so special about him? asks Mary. He went to blow out dat feckin' candle"! The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Also please remember these are just jokes! Pat had never been to Dublin and always lived in the countryside. Foreman: But how can you make money? O'Brien?" In case he got a hole in. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. When the train came out of the tunnel, Julia Roberts and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Englishman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. we will now be two hours later than expected. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. Give me a Dos Equis, por favor., The second was from Holland. For the past 30 days,I have been sharing an Irish joke every day on my Facebook page. Two Irish men are looking through a catalogue. raspberry again, SPLBLBLBLBT! And rightfully so. Fookin hell, Mick! cried Paddy. Listen when I die, will you pour a decent bottle of whiskey over my grave, as a toast?. The list goes on. Marty he sighed, Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?, Bollocks. View more comments. Submit your . He thinks to himself Im about 40 feet away lets see what happens. The lawyer is going nuts, not knowing the answer. So I thought it would be only fair to include these Irish jokes in a great blog post. But this is a newsagents'. Lets see how they like listening to the little b*stard! Learn how your comment data is processed. One of the Irishmen tapped his friendon the shoulder. One Last Shot. I was ironing and the phone rang so instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and put it to my ear. She just looked at the president and said, Would you like to take my bet? Certainly, replied the president.